Every woman will experience pregnancy a little differently than the woman next to her. If we have more than one baby chances are our pregnancies will even be different from the rest! For me, I didn't get sick at ALL my first timester. I was tired a lot, but that was it! My hormones never caused me to be moody or overly emotional, nothing like that. Whenever I told people, those who had experienced morning sickness would look at me like I was an alien and say something like, "What? Are you serious? I was so sick... etc. etc. etc. You have no idea how lucky you are!" People would also comment a lot on how small I was, and again, that i was lucky. But I didn't feel as lucky as they would make me out to be. I didn't gain very much weight my entire pregnancy, and it stressed me out! I was nervous that he wasn't growing enough and wouldn't be healthy. I actually had an appointment with my doctor scheduled for a few days after Trev was born to make sure he was ok because i wasn't gaining the whole time. But when Trevor was born, even at 5 weeks early, 5 lbs 5 oz was a good weight for him. Thank GOODNESS!
It was also hard to hear people people tell me how jealous they were they didn't have easy pregnancies like me because seriously I was really hard emotionally! Especially right after we found out Trev might have Down Syndrome, I was an emotional wreck. Once we went to the temple it got better and subsided quite a bit. But there were still days when the fear of the unknown would creep up for a few minutes. Those last months were an emotional roller coaster, but nobody but our immediate family knew.
Now that Trevor is here, those fears have of course gone away. He does have DS and while there are still unknowns about his future, we try to just take it a day at a time because you never know what the future will be like! You never know what he will or won't struggle with, so there's no point in worrying about it until you have to!
Thankfully, only one person has said "I'm sorry" when they've heard Trevor had Down Syndrome, and it was in an email. But it still stung. I wasn't sorry at all! We were (and are) happier than ever! I can't speak for EVERY parent of a child with DS, but chances are they don't want to hear "sorry." If they're like me, they're not sorry they have a little one with an extra chromosome because they are thrilled to have the baby they've been waiting for, not matter the circumstance he/she came in! And even if they're not like me, and are still having a hard time coping with the diagnosis, I'm sure they're feeling enough sadness and even a little sorry for themselves- which is OK!
Only a few people have told me that Trevor "doesn't even look like he has Down Syndrome!" And honestly I know people are well-meaning, but I hate that comment. I'm pretty sure I know that you think it's some sort of compliment, but really, it's not! People and children all look different! Sure there are some defining physical characteristics and features that come with DS, but it can still vary a bit. Whether or not these physical features are super noticeable to you, Trevor still has DS and it's part of who he is. And I love him the way he is! He's got the sweetest smile, cutest laugh, chubbiest cheeks and legs, and my brown eyes, which are almond-shaped to begin with :)
One last thing... Trevor is not a retard, he's not a "Downs" or "Downs baby," and shouldn't be compared to "normal" children. I don't get really upset when I hear any of those things because I'll be honest- I used to say them, too! So I totally get that unless you're given a big reason to not say things like that, you probably don't realize you do. I promise, I understand haha :) BUT, I've been given little Trevor, and along with it, a realization of how hurtful those terms can be. So I hope you don't get super upset, either, if I hear you say something like those things above, and I see an opportunity to raise awareness for people with disabilities by helping you come up with another way to say what you want. I try to replace the word "normal" with "typical". I NEVER use the word retard anymore, and I don't think it needs a substitute word- it's just unkind. Would you call a child with Cancer a "Cancer kid"? I sure hope not! Cancer doesn't define them, just as DS doesn't define Trevor. Cancer and Down Syndrome can be a big part of someone as they've learned from the struggles that come with them, but it's not who they are. Wen I need to, I refer to Trevor as a baby/child WITH Down Syndrome, and I hope you'll do the same :)
Sorry for the long post! Just trying to help people see that you don't always know what people are going through, not just in a pregnancy, but at any point in life. There are also kinder ways to say things and refer to people who may be a little different than you. This is a little bit of an email that I received from my oldest brother after emailing him to let him know that Trevor was born early and had Down Syndrome; I love it :)
"I'm sure he'll be a terrific addition to the family. You and Braxton will be amazing parents, I am certain. I suspect this fella will provide you, family, and friends with particular delights.
We all obsess too much about being "normal." Special is where it's at. Special is special.
I'm elated for you."
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