Mother's Day

I've always loved Mother's Day. Even when I was a little I looked forward to giving my mom that little craft I'd made at school or a church activity. As I got older I loved picking out something for my mom. These days I can spend as hour picking out the perfect card and writing a novel in it for her- she assures me she loves it though haha :)

Now that I'm a mom, the day is even more special to me. Last year I took Trevor to church for the first time ever on Mother's Day. I don't remember feeling more proud in my whole life than I did that day, as I looked down at his perfect face while people were speaking about moms. It was a special moment for me, wondering how I'd won the jackpot and scoring this little kid! I look back at pictures from that day and can't believe he was ever that small. It boggles my mind! See pic below for proof that he was once this small haha!

Mother's Day 2015

This Mother's Day, Trevor is a LOT bigger! He's such a joy and still the easiest little kid. It's been so much fun watching him progress, even if it's been at a MUCH slower pace than I'd like. He is really so perfect and I KNOW he was meant to me mine. A couple thoughts have been swirling around my mind this morning about being Trevor's mom and about my birth mom, so I thought I'd get them in the books :) 

I look back throughout my life and realize that I was being prepared for a long time to have a child with special needs; my whole family, really, has been being prepared for a long time. 

My dad was quadriplegic and had been for many years, when he met my mom. They dated and got married. And thank goodness for that because I wouldn't be here! My mom has obviously never been afraid of a challenge- she married my dad knowing full well she'd be his primary care-taker. That's a big deal and would be daunting to anyone. But she loved him and that's all there was to it. So she lifted him in and out of bed morning and night, bathed him, dressed him, shaved him, fed him, loaded him into his wheel chair, into the van, and  so so much more, She did this for many years before he passed when my sister was just 5, my twin and I just 18 months old. she has always had a love for others who are sick or otherwise disabled. Before she even met my dad, she spent years working at the hospital caring for patients with Cystic Fibrosis (or CF). Sadly, hardly any of those friends and patients of hers are still alive, but for as long as I can remember she has always spoken with so much love as she told us about them and her experiences. 

A few houses up from us, there is a girl with Cerebral Palsy. She and her family moved into the area when I was i elementary school and is just a few years younger than me. At first I didn't know what to think of her or act around her; she could not not speak, eat on her own. I was definitely unsure of it all because I'd never been exposed to that before. But my mom taught me, through her words and actions, to just love her, and try to treat her as I would any other friend. My mom made sure she was included in our all our church activities and took time to visit with her. She STILL does, 10+  years later.

In our church, there is an organization called Special Needs Mutual. It's a place where teens with disabilities (a wide array of them) can go to interact with peers, both typical and disabled. My twin brother had the opportunity to participate in this as a "special needs buddy" when we were in high school. He loved the time he spent with these kids a few hours a week, He would always come home with some great stories about what had happened that night! One year, the youth in our ward were asked to help with this special needs mutual prom. What an AMAZING opportunity that was! It was so good for all of us to get to be around these really special kids.  

Around this same time, I was in my junior year of high school when I was selected to go to the special needs seminary class. So instead of going to class with my typical peers, I got to go into the class that had 4 or 5 5 kids with special needs, a couple with Down Syndrome and a couple with other things, I was assigned to be Cameron's buddy :) I LOVED Cam. He was like my best friend. He got my cell number from a friend and would call me almost every day hahaha It was great and always so funny. He was such a joy to be around and I never left that class without a smile! I go to do this for a whole year and I will never forget it. Being surrounded by these kids, learning about Christ's teachings to love one another, was such a testimony builder. I'm so grateful for that year!

Cam and I at the Special Needs Mutual prom. He had just shaved off his eyebrows haha!

When I was 14, my brother, mom, and I went to El Salvador for my brother's Eagle Scout project. For those of you who don't know, McKay and I were adopted from El Salvador when we were 11 months old. He decided to collect items and money for the orphanage we'd been in and wanted to distribute them for his project. We were able to collect so much that once in El Salvador, we got to deliver some of those item to a different orphanage. This one was far away from the big one in the city, where McKay and I had been. This orphanage was way up in the mountains, secluded from many people. It wasn't until we got there that we realized this orphanage was a place where children with all types of special needs and disabilities were living. It was absolutely heart breaking. I will never ever forget walking around and seeing all these little face, perfect souls in imperfect bodies, who were alone. They deserved to be loved. Many of these kids had Down Syndrome. Many had just physical disabilities. I left there that day with a heavy heart, saddened that these kids would most likely never know what it was like to be loved by a family. 

Little things have continued to happen throughout my life that have gotten me ready for Trevor. the same group of Special Needs teenagers sang during church once; the song was called "In This Very Room' and is about loving everyone around you. When I got pregnant and found out the baby might have Down Syndrome, I seemed to see individuals with DS everywhere! There was that cute little boy with his mom and little brother at Ikea in front of me waiting to get a Cinnamon roll (because when you're at Ikea you OBVIOUSLY don't leave without one!); when I was volunteering at Primary Children's Hospital I had the opportunity to help a mom and her daughter find a specialists's office for an appointment. Then there were videos someone would share on facebook (Dog befriends little boy with Down Syndrome) and an article about a Dad who refused to give up newborn son with Down Syndrome somewhere in Europe. I definitely didn't realize it at the time, but God was softening my heart to the reality of me being a "special needs mom."

The day we found out Trevor's enlarged ventricles in his brain pointed to a 4% chance of him having DS was so somber. That night, I remember telling my husband that "I could handle ventriculomegaly and maybe hydrocephalus, but NOT Down Syndrome." Man, was I wrong.

Being Trevor's mom is truly a dream come true! I cannot imagine him being any different than he is. Because DS, I have met so many other amazing mamas of children with special needs, Many of them I follow on instagram. Last night as I was scrolling through my feed, I saw a quite from a mom of 3 boys who all have DS (she adopted at least one of them). The quote said, "A child born to another woman calls me mom. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." She continued on about the experience she had with one of her sons' birth mother. I'll have to ask her if I can post it word for word and update later. Tears ran down my face as she described seeing this woman, who was too ashamed to see her disabled son in the orphanage, hold her baby before he left that country forever. She went to the airport with the adoptive family, crying and cuddling him the whole way, not letting go until the very last minute at security. Amber (the adoptive mom writing the post) said that it left such an impression on her, and that because of that experience she'll always be incredibly defensive of birth mothers, but also grateful and indebted to them. 

This Mother's Day I've been thinking a lot about my birth mom. What was she thinking when her infant twins, just days old, left her forever? I know the reasons behind why she let us go... she had no choice. But what was she feeling? Did she wonder if she'd ever see us again? Did she hope to someday have contact? Does she think about us often? Do her other children make Mother's Day special for her? We know very little about my birth mom. Her name is Emma Guzman; we have one very old picture of her that shows her shotr stature, brown skin and short, dark hair; the last we knew she was living in Ciudad Arce, a small little place right between San Salvador and Santa Ana; she already had other kids before getting pregnant with my twin and me; she didn't have any way to feed another baby (she didn't know she was having twins until she was in labor). And that's about it. But last night and all day today, I've thought and thought about her. I am so grateful for her! So grateful that she had the courage (because I strongly believe that no birth mom who places her child for adoption can do so without courage, no matter the circumstances or reasons behind not being able to keep the baby) she had to do what she knew was best for my twin and me. I hope and pray that one day I'll meet her, and be able to tell her hoe thankful I am for her (but I better practice my Spanish first!). 

Nothing in life is coincidence. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that God has a specific plan for each and every one of us. I know I was meant to be born to Emma, but adopted by my incredible parents in the U.S. and raised by a mom who embodies all that charity is, and has it for everyone around her. She has more faith than anyone I've ever known. With that love and faith, she's showed me that we just have to trust in God that everything will work out. Without her instilling that in me, I'd have had a much harder time with Trevor's diagnosis.  Sure there are days when I feel like it isn't fair that Trevor has to work so much harder than other little ones his same age to do simple things they master so quickly. There are days when I wonder how on earth I'm gonna keep this up for 40, 50+ more years. How will I live out these other dreams I still have? But then I remember that being a mom has always been my biggest goal and dream! And Trevor made it come come true. 

Thank goodness for moms, right?! In this cute video about moms I watched today, it said "Life doesn't come with a manual, it come with a mom." Thank Heaven for that! Not let's just hope I can be half as good as those moms who influence me daily :)